48 hours to hell - yeah

 It has been more than 48 hours of detoxing from you. 

Am I doing fine, I guess. Of doing the Mantra I let go.

I free my mind, and fill it in with other chores 

Monotone, diverse, but most of all to breathe without a thought of your existence 

It’s a long way to freedom, but I’m determined to to reach that destination 

I know I will meet you again, in a correct time, right place and it will be very special 

I still could not understand and grasp that time took  and imprisoned me with my own choice

Is it love ? Because not even once did I feel something in our physical union any satisfaction. 

Maybe my brain is cast in black magic - you are a black magic Man and made my mind possessed 

I’m on my way to freedom, of peace and no worries.

Time to give myself the energy and love I have lost for you in three years. 

This time it’s no joke.

I accepted defeat

Reality hurts they say but nothing compares to how I feel 

3 years of undefined  happiness it felt, yet deep down it’s surreal 

I walk away in silence with my heart is bleeding,

I accepted defeat and my mind is searching.

I asked you if can you live without me ? You said maybe,..

I said I can’t in my mind, see a life without you surely.

But here I am turning my back on you accepting defeat

I realized you are not meant for me. 

I looked in your eyes and I see,

That I have been very silly.

So I walk away in silence.

Accepting defeat.

I may have loved you with all purity.

I may have given you sovereignty.

But I know deep within me that what I want from you will never be.

Goodbye is hard to say but I must.

In doing so releases me from this insanity. 

Love Hurts

 So this is love 😔🥲

I have known you for sometime.

When you are the happiest 

And the saddest 

The angriest

The quietest

When you are mentally in pain

And physically unfit

Psychologically imbalance 

Indecisive 

Intimately I have seen the worst of you, 

The best of you.

Your dark side and your bright side too

Pfffff but why do I still feel this love for you. 

Is Love a torture 

Is it painful

Is it frustrating 

I supposed so…

Because I love you for whatever you are 

Bad, dark, good, happy, sad. 

But that’s how love is - that’s how my love is 

My love is a sacrifice 

My love is total submission

My Love is giving all I have 

My Love is pure

My Love is kind 

My Love is understanding 

My Love is patiënt 

My Love is never ending 

My Love is You 

I’m over you?

 It felt different, it felt not the same

I looked at you and said you look like no other 

I took a deep breath and and searched myself

Tried to understand what feelings to consider 

But that deep emotional love seems to have left

What is it, what could it be, is it over 

Days passed by and it feels like ordinary

I looked at your pictures but no shudder 

Is it true? Has it happened that the love I felt 

Is gone and I am finally sober 

All I think about is You

 Like that song called Heat Wave

Last night all I think about is you

Head so occupied and thoughts lost 

I am damned to Hell Hole

What is it that makes you so attractive 

Is it your youth and deliberate indecadence

Your fountain of unsureness unlimited 

Or you overly confidence a volunté

Here I am scratching my head to oblivion 

Wondering what really is going on 

Turned inside out upside down 

Hopefully  one day I would be normal again 

What is it that made you so special 

Is it your high intelligence Quotient  

That seemingly know it all facial gestures 

Or that innocent play eyes look

Pfffffffff Im out of ideas 

What could it be

That made me fall for you

Those kisses 😔

But you are so cold now

The playful eye glint is gone 

No more playtime

No more fun 

  

Emptinesses

No sound, no taste, no sight no feelings 

Emptiness has staken  over me 

No warmth , no light , no magic 

It feels like coming to an end 

I felt it was better before 

But I was deeply fooled 

A hood over my head I fell

Into your abyss trap 

Like a icy cold water 

It hit me dead flat 

Lost in self battle I waver

Trying to hold on at last 

But I have to wake up from this dream 

So magical it maybe 

But emotionally terrifying 

Im on the verge of breaking 

Strength is gone  and I’m empty

My powers has run out

You sucked all the lights of me

And left me hanging dry 

In the end we say farewell 

We bid each other goodbye

We tell to one another how it was

And leave it all at that 

Your beautiful eyes will haunt me 

Your taunting voice so childish

Your mannerism so unsure

Your touch so warm and fiery 

I will miss you easily

You have been a part of me

A grow up process ending up dearly 

Leaving an emptiness in me 

Gave it a year - We said

 Now to that point of no return 

I felt I have lost my brain

my pride and dignity in vain 

But worst of all I lost my heart and in pain

I have resigned and gave up

Opened my eyes and accepted the fact 

That the difference widened the gap

Between us there’s only a a charade 

As I move on I gained a lesson 

That love cannot be bought nor traded 

Nor can it be sold to the highest bidder 

It can only be felt deep inside your feelings 

I looked at you at dinner time.

your dimples I haven’t seen before 

couldn’t bear the fact you are so beautiful 

And that im so lost and in-love with you.

I hide from you and cloud my eyes 

I could not show my deep feelings 

Because I know you do not have 

The same love  that I do for you 

I let time and space decide what becomes of us

A year has passed and my heart still  imprisoned

Caged and tied up with yours 

But you have no love for me.

I know that will never be 

But thankful for the time spent together 

Like self torture if no end 

Now I say farewell in my mind 

I see you, I feel you, I hear you, 

Am I dead ? Because the day I realized 

That I  am nothing to you I died .

A thousand times worst then death 

I love you. Maybe I see you in the next life. 

And then you will recognize and see me too

Thank you for your time and affection

It was not enough but better than nothing  

Can You see me ?

 

You look at me but You dont  see me,

You talk to me but Just curtly

I hesitate but fast decided 

That I would hold on to this strong feelings,

Keep it to make me whole and happy.

I ask myself countless times why me..

But The truth sets me free.

The happiness that You bring me

Is incomparable to  E=mc2 

 

So now How do we go?

I see You look at me

I feel the warmth of your energy 

Do You Also feel me?

I know one Day we will part

So i take this time now and enjoy

This strange feeling that has occupied

The 7 senses of me 

I Live för now 

In Limbo

 Soul searching? Twin Fire? Deep feelings intertwined?

Loving and Hating, Unblock after blocking, where does it all end ?

Regretting, refusing, reproaching, resisting, what more is there?

In the end you see each other, you touch each other, you kiss  each other , you feel each other, you hug each other and say it’s nice to see you again ?

Maybe time will tell and unveil. Maybe time will stood still who can tell? 

But the strong feeling of being together of not being able to stand apart from each other is an absolute denial?

We live for the moment. We live for now. We live in the present because that is the most beautiful you could give yourself - 

Love in Covid-19 time

 Fresh Breath of Covid Love 

She saw you , she thought you saw her 

She thought you felt her 

She thought you wanted her 

She was very wrong 

She felt saddened

Her heart was broken 

Her wits strawned out in the wind 

Her tears were unstoppable 

Her cries echoed in the room 

She was lost 

Time heals all wounds 

Deep cut, shallow bleeding

Unrelented feelings 

Unbeknown emotions. 

Because absolute love

Doesn’t need reprocity

True love was as is 

What is Love if ?

What is Love if....

...if you cannot have or hold it

....if it is not allowed to be free

...if you cannot express its truth
D
...if it is forbidden en tabboo

....then it is not love at all
    because true Love is free-spoken,
    It is allowed to grow to its mighty fullest
     and spread to share

8 ways for better lives...
Inspiring day today with Dirk Göring, a guest speaker at the womens liberation front, when he shared the eight ways to a better life. Didn't really understood what he meant by it all, but when i got home, it come all upon me!
So i recollect:

1) Standardized philosophies ; in my own meaning I think he meant that we should have structure in our lives..
2) Dedications, .whats our plan, projects,  hobbies...
3) Power of now and improvements
4) Take that extra mile
5) Sound health and Fitness
6) Take a model or inspirational person to guide your lives
7) Positive Attitudes
8) Affirmations, accept the repsosibilites all the time, ownership

A wish...

I have lost 2.2 kilos today...haleluja! Am I in love? (giggling in my head) I haven't started drinking that red wine yet, from 2000! A wish to myself, or should I say a promise, to live healthily, and enjoy life to the fullest. How do we go around that? I have indulged myself too much and now I am paying dearly for it. I always say this promise to myself and tell-tale consciousness of the nagging fact that I do need to get on with it. I must have lost my inner power. Drowned so much in self pity, running away from the truth, or should I say hiding? Blahhhhhhh...I sound like a bore.

I was helping a patient yesterday, she is 175cm in height, weighs approximately 55 kilos, with an athletic body! The shocked I felt when she told me she is 58 years old, wtf...excuse my abbreviations but, WTF! She looked like 20 years old for all I care. It hit me so hard...I have been so foolish, selfish, fat and ugly beast! (Smiling)...

So, what is the aim of the new Project : 60 kilos at the end of October...Consistency, awareness and consciousness...may God be with me. Deadline is 27 October 2011 or I pay a 10K in Euros to a communist leader Mr. Celie. I cannot lose this bet. Besides, I get twice the amount if I win, plus a healthy mind and body!

What is the strategy? I wrote it down to just to remember, Six weeks is 43 days to the count down zero. If I aim to lose 30 kilos in 43 days, how much should I burn for each and every day?

I need to burn 3500 calories in the beginning, "are you killing me, mean kidding me?" Plus the fact that I need to lessen my calories intake "this is not happening" -hi hi hi. I can hear the doctor voice echoing in the billows of my thoughts. I asked myself, what am i getting into? And then jolted by the remembrance that a 10K European dollars are on stake, not to mention double amount if I win.

If I need then to lose weight by burning calories, lessen calories intake and have an explicit plan to build up muscles and live a sound and attractive physical attributions, then I do need God at my side. I need my motivation 200% up in the ceiling and by strong descipline I am 60 kilos at the end of next month an richer...hmmm, am still thinking

La la la la la la

I am on my high at the moment. No, it is not the caffeine, Doctora! Nor the Belgian chocolate I just have taken advantaged of. It is quite easy to explain but not easy to understand for people who have not yet experienced the true meaning of love and marriage. I don't want to start and cry now, of happiness, of exaltation, of contentness, of feelings of being blessed. It is heart touching, elating, succumbing to every spoilness it represents, the wave of love, the spring of happiness and the endless questions of "will it ever really last?"! Ha ha ha ha, my laugh echoes through my mind.

I believe in marriage. The marriage I have seen my parents was volatile, intensed and highly emotional. I see my mother as the strength, my father the colorfullness, and together they balanced each other. I cannot say it was a perfect marriage. But I admired it in a way that my parents sticked it through thick and thin. That I would have like to have the same experience when I marry. I feel blessed. I thank my parents for their loving, god-fearing, responsible parenthood. It was strict in my point of view, but their concern and love put me where I am now.

It was not an easy sailing boat upstream and down stream. I myself made a lot trials and error before I was able to discover the right way to go, and what are the warning signs I have to look out for.

1) A real gentleman never lets a gentle woman pay the bill, in all sense of the word.

2) A real man waits his que, delivers his timing in an appropriate way, always considering the

womans emotional state. In short, very respectful, but strike his decisiveness at a perfect

timing.

3) A wonderful man always consider himself last. A true gentleman.

4) A true man, listens not just with the ears but also with the heart. And that whatever bad thing you have done for whatever reason, he will try to understand.

5) An exceptional man will help you on what ever trouble you are and keep by your side until

the time everything has been normalised.

6) A man with true intention will accept anything about you, would want to know anything about you, will accept any bad thing that you have done, however grim and dark it is, that when you tell him he would understand you...

Hahaha...who am i kidding about? Is this just a wisp of my imagination? There is no such man!!!

Sorry to dis appoint you, but there is, but you have to deserve his faith, his respect, his love and his fidelity even in the outmost undeserved way!

Happy hunting if ever you haven't found him yet!

The magic is gone

The magic was gone! You wake up one morning, feeling heavy and no excitement. Why!?

I used to burn for my passions, could be I am lost? Missled? Disappointed? Or just maybe plain bored?

It is like having to take Prozac! No ife, no meaning, no feelings...

You choose

...for love, for freedom, for friends, for a career...

You choose. You take the consequences and make the best of it! If it does not work, you might have to make a change. It is your choice.

Pure happiness is being able to choose...and if it does not work...the choice to change!

Into my forties... feels the same but does look different...or it feels different but looks the same...is a matter of perspective...it seems to be stable though.

The past belongs to the past

...and let your present take over! Ha ha ha...easily said than done since so much connection and very strong emotions are connected to the past. It hurts then but the happiness that the preset brings cannot be compared! You cry, you get depressed, you felt helpless and then it goes over!

The sun peaks out behind those ugly dark clouds and tell myself...I live in the presence of present!!!

Reality Bites

...looking back, I kept telling myself and smiling, "how did I survived that?"! It was exactly three years ago since I officially moved to Belgium and living with Kurt who waited six years for me and preservered and I am still feeling awedthat this time I have made the right choice!

When I moved from the Philippines to Sweden, going to language school first and suddenly becoming a mother to Daniel after two years was a blessing in surprise. Erik, Daniels' father, was given a "papa ledighet" parenthood leave of absence paid for two years from his work so he could take care of Danny while I'm off to work and go to school. It was a difficult time and was thankful to Erik parents, who has been a mountain to lean on, a "klippa" as we say it Swedish. I started then my business when Daniel was two and he has to go to "kleuterklas"- nursery class until he is six. I still continued going to school since I believe that education is a dynamic continous transformer. Learning is forever. But there should be balance.

There was none. Working too hard and learning too much for the future without paying attention to the "NOW" was a horrible mistake. I have lost a motherhood, that still kept me to be strong and tangible, for the sake of a better future. A year later, it was all gone. Marriage and motherhood. Chagrin and all that, I asked myself "have I made the right choices"? Reality bites because it is quite obvious I did not.

.........to be continued

2011 Lär sig vara väldigt upptagen!

Det ser lovande ut, ska jag säg. Nu har man börjat med kurser på hur man startar eget. Men först sak först...de ska lära sig masera först! Och sen kan de börja planera starta eget med massage och det är Kommunen vill att jag ska göra under 2011. Holländskan min var inte heller dåligt så tror jag att det ska nog gå bra. Reklam var redan gjorts och får vi se om det blir några som vill lära sig den Klassiska Svensk Massage av Maria Hammerin Celie, en certifierade massör och diplommerade massageterapeut från Hässleholm. Hehehe

Krävs nog styrka så får man ochså börja styrke träna och då bör man gå hos grannen intill så kan man få kroppen igång. Spännande!

Nu är det kl ett på morgonen och imorgon är Utrecht igen så blir det tid åt Rosies uppfostran och lär henne va mer lydigare för fröken hennes klagar...och då blir det en hel dag diskussion hur ska man hantera en fem årig tjej snart sex år att uppföstra sig när det behövs....hahahaha. Det är som man pratar med en katt ibland....hehehe hopplös ska jag säg! Men men, som min Chef alltid säger, "det får vi väl se"!